normal circumstances, indeed.

never underestimate the power of your own neuroses. not that even writing it down makes it more excusable. excusable, really? not that dismissal is what i mean - perhaps, exercisable. executable. excitable. exemplary. exempt. sure, exempt. why the fuck not. why do i even care? i am always returning to "this" and not "that." all pronouns aside, i know i have a teensy little collection of hang-ups that i'd rather not have. and of course it's not as dramatic and insurmountable as, say, a phobic disorder that causes me to reject anything that might be good for me. no, of course not. tragically, i'm just not that interesting. strike that; reverse it. interestingly, i'm just not that tragic. i'm about as neurotic as my cats - as dismissing and insatiable in equal amounts. love, touch, food, etc. yes, i think i may have just compared myself to my cats. shrug. eh, worse has happened.

taking my mother's advice and recording my interpretation of whatever this is. is it this because i never created a "that" for myself? because i became complacent with the "idea" that what i have passion for and where it is i am skilled will never align quite right? i know i keep asking the question... at this point, i'm not sure that i care as much i thought i should. with passion at full fruition - an unshakable state regardless of production - i'm still not completely convinced that the fight is over. i think i'll be in a never ending state of budding and bloom... the frost will never take as much as maybe i once believed. it's there in the roots...

sometimes i really hate to be that person chasing what it is i feel i need to experience in life or in love. i feel like some "sex and the city" episode and i'm carrie bradshaw (okay, so maybe that wouldn't be so bad with her apartment and her closet...). but it's kind of ironic (talk about neurotic): i'm either a pussycat or a fictional character. either way, i'm hopeful about where this is headed. tangibility, optimism, and chemistry are present in this new relationship with myself.

i can't shake the feeling that something good is about to happen.