an experiment of sorts.

there's facebook, and myspace... and livejournal seems eons ago. i don't even do "twitter" on principle. yet, i think i can say with almost perfect honesty, that (aside from social networking sites that i have used) this is new-ish to me. it's a project that i've decided on because, let's face it, those other "spaces" fall short. i don't want to "tweet" in however-many-words (or less) what i'm doing. i don't want this experiment to be some microblog that states: "stacey is washing the dishes and listening to irish music." no, because that's such surface bullshit. granted, i did fall elbow-deep into the facebook trappings; however, it is (i admit) a good way to share photos and short remarks with those you call not often enough, or never (which is most usually the case). it's also a fantastic way to look up ex-boyfriends or people you went to elementary school with. but i don't want this to be facebook. i don't want a "profile" that asks me if i'm single, or what my musical tastes are (not that there's anything wrong with those things). this blog, i hope, will consist of random discussions, exciting recipes, photos, poems, and ranting opinions.

i want this to just "exist" as a testimony of what i love (and not so much, it seems sometimes) about this life i have been given. i love words, and food, and this world - i love everything that touches the human senses: the eyes admire art, ears to music and poetry, the lips and tongue to foods... i don't know how else to list it - yet, i know i have a passion for anything and everything.

it seems so funny to write: "this life i have been given." was it really given? didn't i just somehow come to exist? the egg split, and viola! here i came to be? i guess it's not that simple, yet i tend to like to make things much more complicated than they ought to be (even if they're complicated to begin with). maybe it's about "who i have become"or the journey from that person to this. my mother says, we are always becoming... yet i can't feel anything but thankful for this life i have, and i hope to savor it. starting today.

this is my first "real" entry (other than the video, of course), so i think it's appropriate to admit that i am at the biggest "lull" i've encountered in my life thus far. i don't want this to be a diary - i hope to make that much clear. but what i do want from this is to become more connected with a life i've already imagined for myself. right now, i don't know yet quite what that means, but i know that answer will eventually emerge from this "ether" of sorts. if not, it will help to tease out the possibilities of how to (or not to) articulate who this person (i mean "me") is...

today is 09-09-09. i don't think we will have a single digit "date" again until 01-01-2101. safe to say, most of us will not be here - yet, i can say parts of us will be... and maybe this will still exist?

i just turned 27. i am single. i am moving back in with my parents in a month (i hate living alone, and my lease is almost up). in terms of love, a few interesting men have trickled through. a lot of assholes. i've been hung up, and hung out. i've been manipulated, lied to, cheated on, and deeply hurt by a lot of men. i'm not looking for "mr. big" (okay, who isn't?), though i have been lucky enough to know love. i still believe so deeply in true love. i know it exists, in everything. i know it exists in me (i am bursting at the seams). though i ache for a partner, i am not convinced that is what i need. i need to know myself better. today, i am beginning a love affair with myself.

i love my family. i love my cats. i love to cook, and to read even more. as an identical twin, i think i've tried to define myself in an original way. i will always be an identical twin to kristin (she is the love of my life), so i cannot change my destiny to be "one of two." what i can do is develop a stronger sense of "self" - i hope this blog will kelp to keep me in the practice of discovery.

i welcome you on this journey with me...

truly,
ss xo.

don't you want to be dangled over the edge of this aching romance?

but they buckled me down, like it's the end of the world.

all flowers in time bend towards the sun.

the seven-foot sunflowers are so huge and pregnant-looking that my mom needs to tie them back. their heads fall down, like some long-necked bird. and every year, they dwarf everything else in the yard... this means september is here. i remember reading somewhere that if you dream of sunflowers, you are sharing in a native past... that you are part native american, or were in another life, i don't remember.

(posted 04.01.10. drafted 09.09.09)