the ending starts with a blue moon.

second chances? quite possibly. i take seconds whenever something's good. and i think there's more good hidden underneath this extra 20 lbs i've gained in the past 20 months. i'm setting a new standard for myself, presumably. what can i say? no smokes = much, much more yum. and yum! it was. looking forward to a slimmer stacey in the future.

discoveries from 2009? i am stronger than i've wanted to be. i'll persevere regardless of my circumstances - but mostly regardless of my expectations. self-sustaining, it's a bitch. wait, what? my mother beat cancer's ass. what else is more important? not anything. my best friend is one tough woman. she really is.

change is sincere as it is sweet. and this sweetness ain't a substitution. i am looking forward to 2010. the "tenz" as i call 'em. catchy? obviously. and i can't stop james blunt from singin' and makin' my day. it's a keeper. at least i think so.

i watched 500 days of summer today. um, awesome. i don't normally "um," but i find it appropriate in this case. it broke my heart in a way that was bearable. real. accurate. i think.

so i'm giving december a chance. i am convinced next month is going to be amazing and totally surpass december; however, i am giving it a last, screaming chance: amaze me! i love when i am given the opportunity to appropriately semicolon. on that note...

...please, remember me
as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees
and fast asleep
aside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like
and even might
give a gift for your behavior
a fleeting chance to see
a trapeze
swing as high as any savior...

i'll let iron & wine make my night tonight.
pick your happiness and it'll make yours.

xxoo stacey (r.i.p. the stacey of 2009)

i can only tell you what i know.

"we all have a devil chasing us. at least i know mine's name." - mjseltzer, regarding her recent breast cancer diagnosis (Tuesday, October 27, 2009 - Diagnosed Friday, October 23, 2009)

tim burton is my hero.

love, love, love.

an experiment of sorts.

there's facebook, and myspace... and livejournal seems eons ago. i don't even do "twitter" on principle. yet, i think i can say with almost perfect honesty, that (aside from social networking sites that i have used) this is new-ish to me. it's a project that i've decided on because, let's face it, those other "spaces" fall short. i don't want to "tweet" in however-many-words (or less) what i'm doing. i don't want this experiment to be some microblog that states: "stacey is washing the dishes and listening to irish music." no, because that's such surface bullshit. granted, i did fall elbow-deep into the facebook trappings; however, it is (i admit) a good way to share photos and short remarks with those you call not often enough, or never (which is most usually the case). it's also a fantastic way to look up ex-boyfriends or people you went to elementary school with. but i don't want this to be facebook. i don't want a "profile" that asks me if i'm single, or what my musical tastes are (not that there's anything wrong with those things). this blog, i hope, will consist of random discussions, exciting recipes, photos, poems, and ranting opinions.

i want this to just "exist" as a testimony of what i love (and not so much, it seems sometimes) about this life i have been given. i love words, and food, and this world - i love everything that touches the human senses: the eyes admire art, ears to music and poetry, the lips and tongue to foods... i don't know how else to list it - yet, i know i have a passion for anything and everything.

it seems so funny to write: "this life i have been given." was it really given? didn't i just somehow come to exist? the egg split, and viola! here i came to be? i guess it's not that simple, yet i tend to like to make things much more complicated than they ought to be (even if they're complicated to begin with). maybe it's about "who i have become"or the journey from that person to this. my mother says, we are always becoming... yet i can't feel anything but thankful for this life i have, and i hope to savor it. starting today.

this is my first "real" entry (other than the video, of course), so i think it's appropriate to admit that i am at the biggest "lull" i've encountered in my life thus far. i don't want this to be a diary - i hope to make that much clear. but what i do want from this is to become more connected with a life i've already imagined for myself. right now, i don't know yet quite what that means, but i know that answer will eventually emerge from this "ether" of sorts. if not, it will help to tease out the possibilities of how to (or not to) articulate who this person (i mean "me") is...

today is 09-09-09. i don't think we will have a single digit "date" again until 01-01-2101. safe to say, most of us will not be here - yet, i can say parts of us will be... and maybe this will still exist?

i just turned 27. i am single. i am moving back in with my parents in a month (i hate living alone, and my lease is almost up). in terms of love, a few interesting men have trickled through. a lot of assholes. i've been hung up, and hung out. i've been manipulated, lied to, cheated on, and deeply hurt by a lot of men. i'm not looking for "mr. big" (okay, who isn't?), though i have been lucky enough to know love. i still believe so deeply in true love. i know it exists, in everything. i know it exists in me (i am bursting at the seams). though i ache for a partner, i am not convinced that is what i need. i need to know myself better. today, i am beginning a love affair with myself.

i love my family. i love my cats. i love to cook, and to read even more. as an identical twin, i think i've tried to define myself in an original way. i will always be an identical twin to kristin (she is the love of my life), so i cannot change my destiny to be "one of two." what i can do is develop a stronger sense of "self" - i hope this blog will kelp to keep me in the practice of discovery.

i welcome you on this journey with me...

truly,
ss xo.

don't you want to be dangled over the edge of this aching romance?

but they buckled me down, like it's the end of the world.

all flowers in time bend towards the sun.

the seven-foot sunflowers are so huge and pregnant-looking that my mom needs to tie them back. their heads fall down, like some long-necked bird. and every year, they dwarf everything else in the yard... this means september is here. i remember reading somewhere that if you dream of sunflowers, you are sharing in a native past... that you are part native american, or were in another life, i don't remember.

(posted 04.01.10. drafted 09.09.09)